It is actually a wonderful feeling to know that someone graduated over the weekend with a first class in ‘nacking’ studies.
Yesterday being Monday was the first day of this glorious week and the weekly motivation an uncle felt was the best was advising men to follow his footsteps in the porn industry.
Well, Joro listed eight things that he feels will make a wonderful marriage. I’d like to treat few of them one by one.
1: “Sex: You should have sex with your wife at least 16 times a week and oral sex five times a week. This is your DUTY as a man…”
First thing, many marriages that have stood the test of time for years are void of this madness above. How many times do you think our parents practiced oral sex? Did it stop them from loving themselves? No! It is not a criteria.
Now, 16 bloody times a week? As in how? What the hell is that for?
I’m sorry really but how is it ‘doing’ you? Sixteen times a week means 64 times a month which also means seven hundred and sixty eight times a year! Wow!
You spend such time on top of a woman in a year and you feel you’re making progress?
In case you don’t know, you are on your own. There are better things to do with time in this life. Having sex 16 times a week is a display of acute joblessness.
And, no, I will get married one day and I won’t play that rough play because I’m not a pornstar and my marriage will not reach your inbox.
2: “You must not have passwords on your phone or any device. If passwords are necessary, your wife should have them all”
Smh. Dude, we all had a life before getting married. We have our privacy though marriage may breach the need for privacy. It is my phone, I will lock it. Our marriage is not inside the phone.She should lock hers too. Insecurity is what this thing is about. Two adults who decided to get married deserve their space. When it becomes suffocating, this is when a man begins to stay out late and the wife looking for a friends place to go. There should be limits in all we do. No boundaries should be crossed all in the name of marriage.
3: “You must not let her food waste. A happy married man shouldn’t be seen eating outside only lunch at work is allowed”
Well, it is ‘her’ food when she’s the only one cooking. The day I cook and don’t feel like eating at home, I will take her out and we will eat and our marriage will not crash. Africans too like suffer. You cannot eat out again because of marriage? Smh
4: “Bring your wife breakfast in bed and bring back a gift from work everyday. Every single day. Even if it’s fruit, wig, a painting and flower”
Joro the Joro! You have lost touch with reality. Look at you sounding like a character in a romance novel. I will buy gift everyday because I work in a gift shop? Wig? Flower? Painting? Halloween costume? Joro cam dan!
5: “Prayer schedule. Fix a prayer and fasting routine once a month with your wife to tackle personal issues.”
Joro! After having sex 64 times in a month, you pray and fast ‘once’ in that month?
Wow. God is not mocked. God must have shook is head after he read your sex proposal.
Don’t worry. Have sex 64 times and pray and fast once a month. Joke is on you!
6: “Even if she has a job, she deserves a weekly allowance of at least N100,000”
Bia, Joro, I don’t understand you again honestly. Weekly allowance of a hundred thousand. Because I look like Evans? Abi I am a politician?
You seem estranged to reality. Snap out of this your mental hiccup. How many married men earn 200k a month? You’re sitting somewhere telling them to give their wives of 100k every week.
I am honestly tired of replying you and your written folly.
Our parents that have sweet marriages will see this open letter of yours and shake their head with a lingering pain in their chest. These things listed above doesn’t guarantee a successful marriage. Especially the sex part.
I have never patronized you because you deal with two things I have no business with. Relationship problems and beard cream. I don’t have a relationship neither do I have beard gang.
This is the first time we ‘talk’. I like how you’re entertaining girls on Instagram with your ‘from my inbox’ tales. Keep it up. Sell your beard oil. Remain a celebrity in the beard gang.
But, please, never display this brand of madness in this life again.
Hold your advice. Use it for your marriage only.
Mark Anthony Osuchukwu
Mark Anthony Osuchukwu is a young writer and critic who doesn’t respect himself. You may wish to reach him via firstname.lastname@example.org